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It was so real. Every detail of his face, the sound of his voice, the pain I felt, it was all so real. I thought I was awake until the very end when I realized how impossible it was, and I woke up.
I'm engaged to an amazing man. I love him fiercely and am completely committed to him, as he is to me. We've had our ups and downs, but the one thing we've never had trouble with is trusting each other. Neither of us have ever even thought about cheating, breaking up, or wanting other people. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if the hottest most gorgeous stripper/porn star/queen of the world tried to seduce him, he would run from the room and straight into my arms. I know if he's out of state at a bar with girls who hit on him, he's going to brag to them about how sexy I am. I know I'm the only one he thinks about at night.
One night I dreamed that my lover came up to me with his arms around a curvy big-breasted blonde and told me he was going home with her tonight. I was in shock. He said, "I'm not leaving you, and I still love you. I just want her tonight, not you. I'll see you in the morning."
I felt like I'd been punched in the throat and curb stomped. It just didn't make sense. If he loved me, why was he doing this?
And I remember saying to him, "I'll be here when you come home with arms open wide. Just know that you're going to wake up and feel horrible about what you've done... and just know that I already forgive you. I just want you to come home."
The dream faded and I woke up crying.
The rest of the day was spent struggling through work trying not to think about my lover's arms around that blonde, and the sneer on his face when I told him I forgave him. I kept thinking, "That would never happen! Why would I dream that? That's not how dreams work! Dreams take what we experience, what we want, what we're afraid of, and work them out. My Love would never do that, and I've never been afraid that he would."
A few days later I kept thinking about it and asked the Lord, "Why would I dream that?"
And He answered, "You feel the pain? the betrayal, the misery, the confusion? You're torn because you know he loves you, so why would he cheat on you?"
"Yes! That's why it hurts so bad. I'm confused. He loves me, he chooses me every day, why would he do that?"
"He would never do that, Haley. That's how I feel. When you say you chose me but then you sin against me, that's how I feel."
That pain was so profound. Why would I ever do that? Would I possibly hurt someone who loved me that deeply?
"I wanted you to understand that it hurts when you sin against me. It's not about breaking my rules or disappointing me. It doesn't just make me angry... It hurts."
So in that dream, the way I felt when my lover hurt me was the way God feels when I sinned against him. And not just when I make a bad choice, not just when I break down and give in... that's the pain He feels when I choose sin over His love, knowing that He will forgive me, so it's fine.
Because His love is so perfect. It's the best thing I could ever have. But regularly, I choose what I wanted over what He wanted for me, knowing He'd understand, knowing He'd forgive me, knowing I wouldn't lose my salvation, but still deciding that the sin was worth it.
That's not the worst part though. The worst part is this dream happened about 3 years ago. The worst part is that it helped for a time - it was easier to chose Him because I knew and had felt the consequences. But the worst part was that after a while, that pain faded, the memory faded, the dream faded. And every time I find myself wanting to chose sin over Him, I remember that dream.
The worst part is when I still choose the sin.
I think one of the things I've learned from that dream was that it's not about following the rules. It's about wanting to honor and respect the love that God has for me. He loves me, He sacrificed everything for me, how could I possibly choose anything else? How can anything be better than that?